What did you get punished for as a kid? What got you into trouble?
What did you get rewarded for? What got you ‘kudos’?
I
ask these questions because the answers will shine the light on the set
of RULES taken on by you when you were very young. In those early,
impressionable, years you observed your environment and made up a
Rulebook to help you get by.
You learned the rule that if you
put your hand on a hot stove you would get burned. You learned the rule
that in order to cross the street safely it’s important to look both
ways for oncoming traffic before you cross.
Perhaps you noticed
that if you made a mistake your Mom would get angry, not very loving
towards you. So, your wrote in your Rulebook: Love = not making any
mistakes. If I want to be loved I have to not make mistakes – be
perfect.
Or you might have written a rule that read something
like this: If I’m a good girl I can have dessert so “extra food’ is
confirmation that you’re good.
Or, you may have been told that
men don’t cry – so you rarely express any emotion when you’re sad or
hurt (until you can’t keep it in any more and you explode!).
These
rules served you well in your environment growing up as a child. Many
of these rules have no relevance in your life today – yet you still
live by that very same Rulebook that you created when you were oh so
very young.
It’s time to create some NEW RULES!
The most important step is to be WILLING.
Be willing to self-examine – without judgment. Be willing to take responsibility for all of your experiences good and bad.
Question
your thinking and ask your Inner Wizard if there are thoughts that are
holding you back. You developed these thoughts as a coping mechanism
when you were young. This is how your Inner Critic was born. He served
you then by keeping your safe. Does your Inner Critic and these
thoughts serve you now? After all, you are no longer in that same
environment.
You may discover that an event from your childhood
has made you think that you need to respond to current situations in
the same way you responded when you were young and just developing your
skills. It may have been a good strategy when you were little but if
it's not working for you now, then you need to change it.
For
example, if a parent scolded you as said you were ‘bad’ you might have
created an “I’m not good enough” rule. Is this true? Of course not!
Create a new rule. “I am good enough. I do plenty of good things for
others and myself every day.” And notice when you do something good –
even if it’s just offering a kind word to someone you work with.
Be
mindful. Pay attention to how you react and what actions you take to
solve certain problems. You should be able to see where how your
behavior is creating the results that you get. Who made the decision
upon which you took action – your Inner Critic or your Inner Wizard?
If
you don’t like the results then you your thoughts might benefit from a
few minor adjustments. Often just becoming aware of what you’ve been
doing will change your habit.
It takes practice. Just like when
you learned how to ride a bike, you might have a wobbly experience at
first. You might even skin your knees. That’s ok. You will heal
easily and eventually become an expert at riding your bike – and using
your new rulebook!
If there are areas in your life that just
aren't working whether it's with friends, work, or personal
relationships, then this might be a clue that you are following old
rules and it’s time to create new ones that serve you instead of hold
you back.
Give it a try. You’ll be amazed at the difference you can make in your life simply by developing NEW RULES!
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