We all know that there
are two things in life that are certain: death and taxes. The latter is
something every diva learns to deal with on a regular basis--at the retail
store, when we buy a car, and every year when we file our income tax (you have
been filing, haven’t you?).
Death is another matter.
People die all the time. In fact, around the world 100 human beings die every
minute. That’s 144,000 people every day. Fifty-two million every year.
Of course, more are
being born--roughly 385,000 every day. Twice as many as die.
But back to the matter
at hand--coping with death. It’s one thing to hear about death in the news. How
can one respond to the news that thousands have died in an earthquake in
Pakistan? The number is incomprehensible, unless you compare it to something you
know. If you read that twenty
thousand people have died in a tsunami, you might think about the size of the
town or city in which you live. If your city has a population of forty
thousand, imagine that half the people in your city are suddenly gone. Half the
children, half the teachers, half the firemen, half of the families living on
your street are wiped out. Maybe even half of your own family. It’s pretty
sobering when you look at it that way.
But seen or read about
in the news, these numbers are impersonal. How about individuals such as
celebrities? When Princess Diana was killed in an automobile accident in 1997,
the outpouring of grief was enormous. Her funeral on September 6, 1997 was
watched by an estimated 2.5 billion people worldwide. Television showed images
of people sobbing hysterically along the funeral route.
But most of these people
never knew Princess Diana personally. Most never met her. Many had never even
seen her before in person. So why the outpouring of grief? Clearly Princess Diana
had come to occupy a place in their hearts--a place admittedly created by the
media and the royal public relations machine, but nonetheless very real to the
millions who felt as if they had lost a member of their own family. They coped
by becoming a part of the funeral ceremony--by leaving flowers at the entrance
to Buckingham Palace, purchasing memorabilia, attending the memorial concert,
or by watching the events on television.
But let’s talk about
really difficult grief, the kind experienced when a loved one passes away. We
all know that death is inevitable. Shakespeare said it in Hamlet; as the king tells young Hamlet, “you must know,
your father lost a father; that father lost, lost his…” Parents die; that’s how
it has been since time began. But no matter how well we may think we understand
this, we are never quite prepared when it happens.
When death comes at an
advanced age after a long illness, it can seem appropriate, even merciful, and
the deceased person--who may long since have changed from the lively and
engaged person that we knew--is likely to have been “at death’s door” for some
time. This makes the transition easier because it seems natural and noble, and
we are comforted by the fact that the deceased has lived a full life.
The most difficult grief
to face is the kind that comes suddenly, without warning, to someone we love
who is not yet of advanced age. An auto accident that claims a teenager, or
breast cancer that claims a young mother not yet thirty who leaves behind young
children, are the deaths that are truly heartbreaking because they seem unjust
and unnecessarily cruel.
How do we cope with such
a personal tragedy? Every individual must find his or her own source of
support, whether it’s family, church, or community. The important thing,
experts say, is to let nature take its course, reach out for support from the
community, and don’t make any drastic lifestyle changes for at least a year. If
necessary, don’t hesitate to seek grief counseling or even therapy.
Coping with the loss of
a loved one is never easy, but the healing process can really work if you give
it a chance.
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