As you gradually move from being a couple to being a single, many of the small traditions and rituals which have defined your family undergo change, either by desire or necessity. Often, we focus on the big changes such as holidays and celebrations. However, those small daily rituals are where you may feel the greatest loss. These are intrinsic parts of our everyday life and not just a once-a-year occurrence. Each family has those traditions: Who makes the coffee, who walks the dog in the morning, who locks the doors and shuts off the lights at the end of the day. These are traditions established by years of routine.
Do not minimize or deny these feelings of loss. They may lack the drama of the “big traditions,” but they represent the security of routine. We may not even be aware of a specific absence, but recognize a malaise that permeates our mood.
Those absences are felt as much by the person who wants the divorce as by the one who doesn’t. You may have wanted out of the marriage, but now find yourself grieving for those “little things.” That may surprise you. Noting the absence of these things can help you be more aware of why your mood changes so quickly and without provocation. It can help you identify what you are grieving for, instead of feeling out of control and just wildly hysterical. The more mindful you are, the more your feelings, thoughts, and moods make sense. The more they make sense, the easier it will be for you to experience the changes. Your awareness will help you begin to replace these traditions with new ones.
Emma, recently divorced, used to sit down every Sunday morning to do the crossword puzzle in the newspaper. Now she finds that she can’t even look at it. The thought of doing it makes her sad. Finally, it came to her that she and her husband did that puzzle together every Sunday morning for their entire marriage. After a busy week, doing the puzzle together reconnected them and gave them a problem-solving task to do together which they both enjoyed. Now the puzzle, far from being enjoyable, only emphasized her loss. For months, she didn’t do the puzzle or even read the paper. Then, on one sleepless night, she took the puzzle to bed with her and, after a few minutes of working on it, found that it helped her sleep. Now, the puzzle is part of a new ritual. She keeps it by her bed stand and works on it a little every night, until she dozes off. The puzzle again brings her pleasure, but the purpose and ritual have changed to accommodate her new needs.
Do you have traditions that need modification or changing? Sometimes the smallest changes can have the most profound effects.
Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a psychotherapist in Connecticut who
works with women in transition. Her book, "From Ex-Wife to Exceptional
Life: A Woman's Journey through Divorce" won Honorable Mention in the
self-help category in 2006 and continues to inspire and support women
everywhere. Her new book addresses the challenges of dating on
line-Profileactics:A Guide for the Prevention of ill Conceived Personal
Ads was published in October 2009. www.donnaferber.com
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