HOW TO STOP FIGHTING ABOUT THE SAME THING...
OVER AND OVER AND OVER
Why do two seemingly in-love-with-each other adults, agree to get married, profess their undying devotion to each other in a ceremony laced with lifelong intentions and commitments, then go on to verbally assault each other sometimes on a daily basis for years to come? Is it till death do us part, or really, till death do us duel?
Couples fight over a number of topical issues; issues that carry heat in their lives such as sex, raising children, raising parents, and the biggie - money. But let's not be foolish enough to think the stories you share with your friends over happy hour, or better yet - the ones you tell yourself in your mind when no one else is listening, have anything to do with what you are really fighting about. It may make for good conversation and high drama, but it does miss the mark, and most importantly, the truth.
We ultimately fight to protect others from confirming what we fear deep down inside to be true about ourselves. Much like a vampire, our deepest wounds and concerns must never see the light of day and are destined to roam in the darkest recesses of our mind, to be protected at all costs. That alone is why we are capable of saying and sometimes doing such horrible things to the person we supposedly
love the most. Kind of makes me wonder if the shoving wedding cake down each other's throat is a precursor of things to come.
So, what is a couple to do?
Short of going through my 12 Week Scripting Intensive, here are 7 THINGS YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW TO STOP THE FIGHTING! Or, at least the bleeding.
1) ONLY ONE PERSON GETS TO BE TRIGGERED AT A TIME. Hey, you both can't go unconscious. Whoever gets triggered first has dibs. Plain and simple. Which means
2-7 are really for the person on the receiving end.
2) DON'T TAKE THE BAIT. Your partner is going to try every trick in the book
to draw you into a fight. Don't give in. You will be tempted. You will be insulted.
They will even make crap up! Don't take their bait. If you do, then it is game
over. Tilt.
3) STAY PRESENT AT ALL COSTS. I mean really dig deep to not join the party. Be aware that your stuff is coming up and you are probably being triggered back. You must remember there is no future in diving in. Only extending the pain.
4) REFLECT BACK TO YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU ARE HEARING. You can repeat word
for word or paraphrase - but do your best not to improvise and add stuff. They
hate that.
5) REFLECT BACK TO YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU PERCEIVE THEY ARE FEELING. "You seem
so angry that I used your laptop as a placemat for my turkey sandwich." Also
don't guess at what they are feeling. Know it or ask them.
6) EMPATHIZE WITH THEIR PLIGHT. If they are triggered then it is about them,
not you! That doesn't mean it was okay for you to use the laptop beyond its intended
capacity, but know that something else much deeper is going on for them. "I can
understand you being upset about that. I know I would be."
7) ALLOW COOL DOWN TIME. Before engaging in finding a solution, checking
in with your partner, and also sharing your experience and feelings. If you don't,
you will activate the anxiety and will find yourself back in it.
There are clearly more steps on both parts that need to be taken to bring the deeper issues to resolution for both of you. But this is a really good starting point if both you and your partner are up to the task of healing wounds and ultimately deepening the intimacy in your relationship.
Mitch Newman, M.A. is The Relationship Coach. He works with couples worldwide utilizing his dynamic Scripting™ Process to help them reconnect and deepen their relationships. He can be reached at mitch@therelationshipcoachisin.com or at 310.225.2222
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