How do you make the decision to leave your
marriage or long term relationship? It’s
not a decision to be made lightly, especially when there are children or other
joint interests involved. The first step
is to assess what stage your relationship is in.
Stage One:
General discontent and boredom have set in. Is it the seven year itch, or something more
serious? You’ve lost the initial spark of desire and
have settled into a friendly, polite relationship. This is the stage that is the easiest to move
into an amazing relationship if you take proactive steps now.
Stage Two:
You are polite strangers or
sparring partners. At this stage, you’re
either confronting or avoiding on a regular basis. Your arguments seem to revolve around the
same issues and never get resolved. In
this stage, one or both of you will need professional help to shift the
patterns you’ve gotten into. A
professional can see the issues you argue about from a different perspective
and help you get the clarity needed to move forward.
Stage Three:
It’s all over but the paperwork.
You’ve lost all memory of why you were attracted to your partner in the
first place. You intentionally do things
to make your partner feel bad, you speak badly about him, and you’re making
plans to leave or kick him out.
Surprisingly, even in this stage it is possible, with professional help,
to turn things around. The difference
between stages two and three is that in Stage Three both partners need to
commit to professional help.
Once you’ve assessed which stage you’re in,
you have to decide what to do about it.
It’s easier to look away and say, “Things aren’t so bad,” than to commit
to making changes in your life, but in the long run that mindset doesn’t serve
you.
In Stage One, shifting into a great
relationship can be as simple as spicing up your sex life. Get out of your rut and surprise your partner
with sexy lingerie, or walk into the bedroom wearing only high heels. Men are visual creatures, so you don’t have
to be worried about whether he’ll be turned on.
Another simple idea is to institute “Date Night” on a regular (weekly or
at least monthly) basis. The only rule
is that you spend at least one hour alone together, and try not to talk about
the kids.
Stage Two can be improved by taking an
honest look at your motivations and insecurities. The brilliance of stage two is that you can
do it by yourself. Hire a personal coach
or therapist to facilitate the process.
We always end up with partners that show us where we have unhealed wounds,
so however your partner bugs you is a great place to start looking at
yourself. Instituting Date Night in this
stage is also helpful; you can use it as a place to share your insights about
yourself and engage your partner in creating new dynamics.
Stage Three requires the commitment of both
partners to heal the relationship. It
takes a lot of work to fix things when they’ve gone this far, but it can be
done. You’ll have to learn how to trust
each other again, and be willing to be open and vulnerable with each
other. Most people don’t have the
courage to do this kind of work, but if you do, it’s some of the most
profoundly transformational work imaginable.
Having helped couples in all three stages,
it never ceases to amaze me how courageous people are and how willing they are
to do the tough work in the name of love.
Johanna Lyman is an
Abundance Coach, Channel for Divine Love and Wisdom, and an Intuitive
Healer. She is the author of the
Messenger Mini Book, Attracting Abundance:
Four Powerful Practices to Align Your Life With Your Life’s
Purpose. She can be reached at Johanna@johannalyman.com or
774-262-4211. www.johannalyman.com
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