DADDY IS NOT… (11 of them because 10 just wasn’t enough)
1) A tissue. It is not okay to pick your nose and sneak it on to my shirt when you think I’m not looking. It is more than not okay to do it while I am watching you. That part is just unbelievable to me!
2) As smart as I thought I was. You come up with some amazing questions like why soap gets smaller, and who created time and a whole bunch of other questions, some of which even stump Google. Sometimes I may just have to say I don’t know and hope you will still get into kindergarten.
3) Capable of functioning without some sleep. So, waking me up to scratch your back is not where both of us will find true happiness. Consider the edge of the drawer or the bed, or waking up Mommy instead. Sleep deprivation and sleep interruption is a form of torture in many countries. Don’t push me.
4) Always going to say the right thing. I know, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, in response to anything you do is only going to find you in therapy before you graduate preschool. And, yet, sometimes in the moments when you have selective hearing and you’re playing on the stairs, inches from an Evel Knievel moment…a Daddy’s got to wonder.
5) Always able to protect you. This really stinks. You will fall and scrape your knee, get stung by a bee, visit the emergency room, have a friend at school tell you she no longer wants to be your friend, and someday a boy will break your heart when you didn’t see it coming. I will however do my very best to protect you whenever I can, and whenever appropriate, until I take my last breath.
6) A mommy. Sorry, but I fail at hairclips and hair scrunchies and temper tantrums about clothes you think match. I am clearly not a fan of you wearing your pajamas to school when mommy thinks it’s cute. I will break when you cry for more than 5 minutes, and I will turn into a Marine and storm the beach if you try and take your frustration out on your baby sister. I would also appreciate if you would keep our one time Daddy make-up plan between the two of us.
7) Deaf. I really did hear you the first time. And, even the second time. The third through ninth time is excruciating, and once we hit double digits the chances of you getting the ice cream drops to zero. Tivo, the greatest invention since air conditioning has turned you into the Queen of Sheeba! Not everything has been pre-recorded for your viewing pleasure. I do apologize though, for telling you Caillou died from excessive whining. I just couldn’t take it anymore!
8) A human vomit receptor (HVR). I know you feel safe crying and hyperventilating in my arms, but I will hang you head first off the couch when I hear you throw up in your mouth and know the big projectile is close behind. I love you in my lap. Not your vomit. Someday you will understand.
9) A “yes” machine. Many times I will say no and we just have to deal with it. Playing me against mommy when you don’t get what you want is clever but I am on to you. I am your Dad and I need to make decisions for your safety and well- being. There will be plenty of time in your teenage years to be upset with me, think I am a loser, and believe that I favored your little sister. FYI - I actually favor the dog because as disgusting as it is, she cleans up her own vomit.
10) Able to get Hannah Montana to come to your home. I also can’t really call her. That one time I said she was on the phone was just to get you to take your medicine. I was really talking to Grandma. I know it would be really cool and you could show her your Hannah Montana underwear you haven’t worn, the Hannah pajamas you refuse to take off, and the Hannah Band-Aids you insist are holding together the floor. And when you are old enough to understand that Hannah Montana is really Miley Cyrus, please take a moment to explain it to your mother. But you didn’t hear that from me.
11) Ever, ever, ever going to stop loving you for any reason, for anything you do that might get me upset or angry. You and your sister are the most perfect sources of love in my world, and teach me more than I could ever hope to teach you. Yes, we have our moments, and I might be less than thrilled with a behavior. But you two; who you are, and who you are becoming are just one word – delicious!
Mitch Newman, M.A. is The Relationship Coach. He works with couples worldwide utilizing his dynamic Scripting™ Process to help them reconnect and deepen their relationships. And he is also a Dad! He can be reached at mitch@therelationshipcoachisin.com or at 310.225.2222
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