My kids are almost grown now. It’s been a long journey that took only minutes. If your children are still young, you may not understand that, but believe me you will (and sooner than you think). Your children will be adults much more quickly than you could ever imagine. Are you raising them to be the kind of adult you want them to be?
Do you want your children to be self-sufficient, or someone who will always defer to your wishes? Will they be confident, or will they always ask your opinion before making decisions? Will they be responsible adults, or always making excuses and blaming others for their mistakes? At age eighteen, will they be ready and able to take care of themselves when they leave home for college or career? Or will you have to push them out into a world they are unsure of?
Think about how wild animals raise their young. They teach them how to survive in the world in which they live. Mothers teach their kits and pups how to hunt for food, how to avoid predators, and how to protect their territory and their food supply. They do not hide them in a cave, nest, or den, feeding and protecting them until they are adults and then pushing them out into the forest or desert to fend for themselves. People must prepare their children to survive in their world, too. Protecting them does not help them become confident, productive adults.
Instead of refusing to allow your children to experience life, teach them how to negotiate it. Rather than refuse to let them watch a particular TV show or movie because of objectionable language, subject matter, or other issues, watch the show with them and then talk about it afterward. Ask questions like: “Why do you think that man lied to the police?” “What do you think would have happened if she had told her husband the truth to begin with?” “Do you think that boy was a hero for saving the dog?” Make it clear to your kids when you do not agree with something a character says or when you admire something a character does. By allowing children to see things that are not part of their own little slices of the world and talking with them about what is good and bad about what they saw, they learn what you want them to know about the world. You have control over what they take away from something you’ve discussed, and they learn about important life issues from YOU. When you refuse to let your kids see certain kinds of things, you are denying yourself the opportunity to teach them valuable lessons about life.
Teach your children to make decisions. Do this by allowing them to decide for themselves about a variety of things. Start with “What do you want for lunch?” and “What do you want to wear?” when they are toddlers and progress gradually to “Where do you want to go to college?” Do not make any decisions for your children that they are capable of making for themselves. If your children can dress themselves, but you still pick out their clothes, STOP! Being able to do things by themselves instills confidence. Also, let your children make mistakes, and allow them to experience the consequences of their decisions. (“Turning homework in late means getting points taken off your grade. If you want a better grade, be sure to turn your assignments in on time.”) Teach them how to correct their mistakes. Show them how to apologize by apologizing to them when the mistake is yours. Making your children’s decisions for them will only make them fearful of making mistakes. Learning how to make decisions comes from practice. Practice, practice, practice. This is especially true of teenagers. Be tolerant of your teenagers’ mistakes. Expect apologies and levy consequences when appropriate, but temper your anger. Some lessons are best learned from mistakes – allow that learning process to unfold. (And bite your tongue when they tell you later they should have listened to your advice.)
As my children grew up, I observed many of their friends’ parents sheltering their children. As they all go to college and begin working, the sheltered children have a more difficult time negotiating the adult world successfully. Your children will be so much more prepared for adulthood if you have taught them how to negotiate the world they will be living in. Repeat this to yourself as often as needed:
It is not my responsibility to protect my children from the world.
It is my job to teach them how to live in it.
Shellee Allison
DFW Shirts, Inc.
www.dfwshirts.com
ideas@dfwshirts.com
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