Motherhood can be an exasperating ride for even the strongest among us.Yet it can contain the most precious of life's moments. If the sweet scent of babies could be bottled we would douse ourselves in it. Nothing compares to the nervous anticipation of our child's first time at bat or the thrill of scoring the winning goal. Their achievements bring our deepest pride; their disappointments our greatest sorrow. Our need to protect and care for them is as powerful as anything we are ever compelled to do. Being a mother can be everything to us.
Yet I knew from the day my son was born that I could not turn my entire being over to motherhood. And isn't that what a great mother does? So I set out to be a good mother, not a great one. While his needs would come first, certainly as a child, they would lessen as he grew up and away from me. And then who would I be? My greatest fear beyond his health and safety was that I would lose me. I was not willing to let that happen after more than a decade as a passionate professional with her own ambitions. Especially when I became a divorced mother with a toddler.
This would prove to be an unpopular approach to many: to my own divorced mom who sacrificed much for her two daughters; to my sister who, while being childless herself, never shied away from imposing her strong opinions on my parenting choices; and ultimately, to my son. He wanted to come first. Still does.
So, when is it OK for us to come first?
Is it OK when we feel harried and stressed to retreat to our bedrooms for twenty minutes of quiet respite from the fray, leaving a frustrated 8 year old to get his own juice? Is it OK when we steal away with a girlfriend for a couple hours and let our partner get the homework started? Is it OK when we set aside thoughts of our precious little ones long enough to dance, to sing, to write, to paint, to dream?
Of course it is. But then comes the guilt.
We are programed to believe that we should feel guilty if we don't always put the needs and wants of others first. We decide that there is something wrong with taking time for ourselves and sit as judge and jury in the courtroom of our own lives. We let others' opinions determine how we feel about ourselves as mothers. And yet the truth is that guilt is a choice. It is a choice that we make to believe the stories that we are told (and tell ourselves) that we don't have a right to be joyful women first.
When we can stop guilt tripping on all the things we could be doing for our kids when we choose to do something for ourselves, we can heal the wounded woman inside who feels she isn't enough. When we tap into our own passions and inspirations we model for our children all the values that we hope they carry into the world: patience, creativity, resourcefulness, dedication, and truth. By being true to ourselves we become truer to them.
Take a good look at the choices you make as a mother. Then look again through the eyes of the woman you were before you gave birth. What were your dreams, talents and pastimes? Do you still engage in them with excitement and mindfulness? Do you give yourself permission to carve out time in your week to explore, discover and create? While the responsibilities of home, family and work leave you with little 'extra' time, we all have moments we can savor doing something that we love if we choose to. Choose yours intentionally and consistently! When you see how happy your children are to have a happy mother the guilt will vanish.
My son is a teenager now and memories of him taking his first unsteady steps towards me seem like only yesterday. His chubby legs carrying him precariously, arms outstretched, reaching for Mommy. Now he is running full tilt away from me at every turn. He is making his own choices and I am proud of his insight, confidence and individuality. He is succeeding because of my guidance and, in part, in spite of it. He sees me pursue my passions, and from that experience, he has learned that he can be whatever he wants to be.
Maybe he has a pretty great mother after all.
Lisa Dalton is a Life Coach, speaker and author. She specializes in working with women to create the life they want in the lives they have. Visit her website at www.godeepcoach.com
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