In my Mastering the Art of Aloneness workshops--attended by singles and
people in relationships--I ask participants what they associate with
"aloneness." I hear the same responses over and over. "Lonely."
"Unwanted." "Afraid." Whether single or part of a couple, many people
perceive aloneness as something to avoid rather than embrace.
This mindset is no surprise. From childhood we're conditioned to view
aloneness as something to pity, fear, or feel ashamed of. Parents
become anxious when their children don't have play dates. Teenagers'
self-esteem is based on how many friends they have. And, all too often,
adults measure each other's well-being by whether or not they have a
significant other.
Mastering the art of aloneness is not about being alone. It means
living a life in which you feel whole and happy, and can take care of
yourself emotionally and financially. It involves embracing aloneness
as an opportunity to develop the self-awareness and life skills needed
to live a full and gratifying life--whether you're living it alone or
with someone else.
Pursuing self-mastery not only enhances the quality of your
relationship with yourself, but it changes your relationships with
others. Instead of expecting another person to make you whole, you
engage in relationships with a sense of being complete on your own.
Self-sufficiency builds self-esteem, allowing you to participate in
relationships with others out of conscious choice, rather than out of
neediness or fear of being alone.
By actively embracing your aloneness, you create new results in every
aspect of your life. Below are a few of many steps you can take to
strengthen your relationship with yourself and use the state of
"aloneness" to develop greater self-esteem, personal fulfillment, and
financial security.
Learn about and develop who you are: Imagine how life would be
if we all put as much energy into developing a loving relationship with
ourselves as we do in our relationships with others. Personal
development work (coaching, workshops, therapy, etc.) allows you to
better understand your strengths and passions, the influences that have
shaped who you've become, and to live life by deliberation versus by
default.
Develop an inner support system: Deploy stress-reducing
strategies by getting enough sleep and exercise, meditating, scheduling
leisure activities, extending compassion to yourself through supportive
"self talk" ("great job!", "you're magnificent!", etc.), and
maintaining a diet that supports your well-being.
Develop an outer support system: Build friendships with people
who support who you really are, and utilize external resources to help
you achieve your full potential (a holistic physician, nutritionist,
fitness trainer, life coach, etc.).
Take financial control: Make a list of your monthly expenses and
income. If you live beyond your means, you need to alter your lifestyle
or develop a plan for earning the money to support it. Being
financially dependent on another person is a risk; if that person
disappears from your life, so does your financial security and quality
of life.
Do work you love, in which you can excel: The smaller the gap
between who you are in your personal life and who you are at work, the
happier you will be. A job aligned with your strengths and passions
makes going to work a joy, versus a daily source of frustration.
Create and live your ideal life: Write the book you long to
write, buy your dream home, open your own business, interview for your
dream job. Instead of waiting for someone else to provide the life
conditions to which you aspire, take action to bring them to fruition.
© 2008 Lauren Mackler all rights reserved
Coach Lauren Mackler is the author of Solemate: Master the Art of
Aloneness and Transform Your Life (Hay House, April 2009) and Speaking
of Success with Jack Canfield and Stephen Covey. Visit Lauren’s web
site at www.laurenmackler.com
User Comments
No comments have been provided.
